User blog:KingWarrenM/More Than Words



 SO! it’s Sunday and I thought it was the best way to start the week with this first blog. I guess the first place I should start with is why I’m writing this. For a while I’ve felt that I didn’t have an outlet and that I’ve lost my voice in this big world we live in and that’s the last thing I’d ever want to happen. Your voice is one of the most important things that you could have but sometimes how you use it can be very detrimental. Now I’m not trying to preach or anything I’m just venting in hopes that one day I can look back on this and probably reteach myself a lesson that should have been learned the first place.

I think this all has something to do with the day my friend died (a story I don’t share too often). His name was Steven and we were best friends ever since we were 5 or 6 and he died when he was 18 from cancer while I (19 years old at the time) was wasting away in college, drinking every other night, and hating the major I was in. Our friendship was basically the typical best friend relationship. I was the loud obnoxious one with the big personality and he was the more reserved one with the bigger heart. Looking back on it he was the stronger person and I guess during the time he was sick he was strong for everyone and to this day I hate myself for not doing more. Everyday I would talk to him as much as possible but would never bring up how sorry I was or how I wish there was something I could do to comfort him but I guess me treating him as if nothing was wrong was our way of escaping everything.

The day he died I closed the world out and I grew cold and numb (more than what I’d like to believe I already had been). I’d lost one of the closest people who wasn’t even family and it changed me because at that point I had no one to walk to or go to. Yes I had my sister and mother but it wasn’t the same. I don’t blame them for not knowing how to help me this was my problem and my cross to bear, but I don’t think it was supposed to last so long. When you get the phrase, “I don’t care anymore” you have to really choose wisely how much you are gonna follow through with it because the dark hole you fall down goes on forever and that silence can become so loud you hate the thought of your own voice.

Fast forward to now and all the weight I’ve been holding on has started to become too much for me. I miss my voice, I miss saying what I like and not being apologetic for it. I’ve lived with so many moments in my life that its come to the point where my only regret is not letting love in and I don’t want to say it and not mean it. I want to make up for all the time I lost and I know that I can’t so I won’t look back on my mistakes because they are here as a cheat sheet to my future test. From now on I’m gonna love hard. I will let love in with no regard for how others look at me. My actions will be driven by love and if anyone has a problem with it I have a few “lovely” words for them lol